now, for the poetry (first draft) since it can't all go in my book (also i am safe i wrote this poem to get feelings to STOP, and they did:
it's time for you to leave
i will do anything
tell me you want me to pour flammable liquids on my skin
i will do anything, anything for you
tell me, should i strike a match afterwards just so your bad reasoning will win?
i have done everything
inside my mind it plays on rewind i am not kind when armed with my memories
i have done everything, everything for me
imaginary and delusional so it's tolerable please, don't sit there; set me free
baby do you feel the heat between us?
do you feel it since i set myself on fire?
i'm an immolation girl with an immolation heart
they said i was compliant when they told me to tear myself apart
baby do you feel the heat from my body?
is that why you run away so fast from what you could not ever really understand
pour one out for me it'll fuel my flames
they said i did it wrong so they carved reminders into my flesh! my brain! on paper!
baby! baby! do you like it when i set myself on fire
baby! baby! do you like to look down roasting marshmallows from where you sit higher
maybe! maybe! you're actually the worse sinner, made yourself karma's victim
because i am aware i'm not a saint but you painted me an utter villain
you mixed my abrasive glitter defeatist martyr attitude with my own blood,
painting me red when i was already so from your inflicted wounds
don't try to tell me what to do 'cause sweetie you've become dilute
better not to touch the poison of my flesh if it's too strong for you
conveniently label me "a narcissist", win again, because currently diagnosed cluster b fits the mold
and because i'm writing again about my pain, never wanted you to hurt me, never wanted that again
sorry i'm so full of self pity but wouldn't it be more apt to watch my self destruction unfold,
or to wait for another moment of weakness and exploit me, isn't that your favorite trend?
baby do you feel the heat between us?
do you feel it since i burned myself alive?
immolation girl made up of only the most broken parts
you call me crazy now i'm gone so it's your narrative that lives on
baby do you feel the heat from my body?
or did you drive all the way back home to florida to outrun it back to the swirling sea
hit your vape another time, and as you exhale darling, let me know
you said i did things wrong because you don't like competition but you cut me out so GO! TEAM! GO!
baby! baby! did you develop all the photos that i took just like you asked, with care
baby! baby! did you post them to your chat but tell your temporary new friends that i wasn't even there?
maybe! maybe! the sight of my person, the way i fear death less than you must be horrific to endure
or maybe you made incorrect assumptions and were just feeling kinda insecure
i will do anything
i'll dig another grave but this one shallow so i get scavenged late at night
i will do anything, anything for you
i've spent money and years on your art to dress my wounds it didn't work but it was a sight
i have done everything
planned my suicide, too late to decide never mind no
i have done everything, everything for you
tried to stay alive, too selfish to survive - but far too selfish now to ever die,
so now it's time for you to leave
goodbye