too much

she tells me i cannot call her except for in a small window of time during the evening
because i am "too much"
because i am "exhausting", and "draining", and other things i loathe myself for being

he tells me i cannot text him more like i had anxiously requested
because i am "too much"
he tells me he wants to text even less than before, but when i cry he does not leave

i sit with a self harm kit full of razorblades pried from shaving razors that i think i deserve to feel
because i am "too much"
because the shit in my head will not stop or quieten and my heart aches every second of the day

the truth is, i know i am "too much" (i am too much for myself most days)
i sometimes wish to be less, but mostly i wish for someone to come along
to tell me honestly that my intense self, overflowing with emotion, is just the right amount