i stay alive

i took two overdoses in 2016
combined there were over 300 pills in my body within those two months,
just the times i shouldn't have had them in my body,
not counting the times i took medicines as prescribed

i don't remember too well what happened
but i remember how i felt
lost, scared, panicking
unsure of any other options. nothing seems as solid as a suicide attempt sometimes

it's hard to describe anything i go through sometimes
my brain becomes a mush-up
a mess of tangled neuroses (and other problems)
really i would like to feel happiness but the more realistic option is the absence of pain

my pain and suffering are not small things
they are big monsters that bite chunks of my flesh away and leave bone exposed
i am in bed for days crying over their existence
i am standing up and taking prescriptions and fighting too

the problem with suicide that never matters when your head
is full to the brim with pain
and won't subside or ease at all
is the hurt you are too swollen with fresh tears to notice isn't all your own

i cannot deny that multiple people tell me they love me
they care about me
sometimes it even feels real, if temporary
but i know when i push back my emotions and force logical thinking to overtake them:

this is a thing i can do
a thing that i have done
and it will solve almost every ache and problem i have
but comes back threefold for those who were brave enough to truly love me

i don't want to do that to anyone
least of all the few who weren't scared
when i broke open my ribs and skull and showed them what lies within
also, my cat, so for now:

i stay alive