twenty eighteen

i am so so so scared
and i can't cut/snip/bleach my hair
cause i did that to cope too many damn years in a row
(and i cried the next day every time)
i am so so so tired
caffeine as a food substitute
but i can't let this or anything worse truly show
(because the hospital doesn't let me see my cat)
my best reason to live
i feel hopeless and sad
i'm taking it minute by minute
(but this world is unfair and i've become far too bitter)
i see everything fall
how to help when i'm not standing myself
i try to fight but my face is streaked
(with tears and my blood)
i can't move or talk at times but then who knows why i sure don't
everyone would rather question my poor memory than trust i could do a thing right
and perhaps i could even survive all by myself one day
(i don't know i don't know)
what circumstance could possibly allow for such a thing to happen
i try not to die and i do that each and every day
most days i do sort of well but i'm still not okay