cake ingredients

i am not sure when exactly i started to evolve

into a newer, worse monster

more like my dad, i guess.

in words that aren't mine: dna, like cake ingredients

out of order just makes a mess

or it can be in order. that's from my mom, and it's true

how do controlling people find time for

each other's interests when they barely have time for their own?

i'm not sure they ever should have met to begin with

i truly want to kill the beast inside me

but the only way i know how

is by taking myself out, too. and that, is not allowed?

not by my standards, just by others'

i care most about my xena, who meows incessantly

when i go to the hospital or the doctor for a single half hour

i pushed someone important away once or ten people maybe for misinterpreting a gesture

who's to say i won't do it again

i'm quite likely to, especially if it comes free with self-sabotage

and who am i? besides that saccharine mess on the floor

of flour and eggs and rainbow sprinkles

but also blood and broken glass from breaking the mixing bowl

i'm no cake, but i suppose i'm not a monster either,

at least not on the outside.

still, who would know better than myself whether i exist only to depart

chaotic, impulsive, a mess

the thing about my cosmic ability to destroy
is that when i leave, something beautiful happens
(from ash sprouts life)
and again, within a short time, they are blossoming
just not ever while i am there.

when i take with my hands and allow
what is worn to crumble away
(suddenly the edges feel new)
i am too much and i burn too much, but i burn off decay
it is only after my hurt that some things can ripen.

i am so very lonely, even as i leave beauty behind me
change is unpleasant and nobody likes my habits
(i learned this at a young age)
so i try to destroy something i was never supposed to
i singe my own self - starting at the corners and joints.