unsure how to be

i'm sorry that all i know how to say sometimes
is "i don't know" or that
everything i touch walks away a little more hurt

i wish i was something healthy and complete
by myself a perfect being
never in need of aid; never feeling unjustly betrayed

i don't know how to communicate effectively any more
i am unsure how to be
i am compressed into a high pressure container and i will implode

i flaunt my flaws these days, allow them to run wild
immolate; immolation
not just a username but a thought about nail polish remover and feeling better

my therapist asked me about my mother today and i grew quiet
withdrew into myself
so as not to anger and to be the best myself i can be, still flawed

i consume foods that i know will make me sick
i've done much worse
does that change the path of self destruction? no